Universal Soldier

Going Solo

2008-01-28T21:13:00.000Z

Not everyone who deploys on operations will deploy with the Unit they've trained with, lived with and gone on the piss for the last few years with. Most Units get extra people to go on Ops with.

They're variously called Supernumeries, the Wartime Establishment, Individual Augmentees, Battle Casualty Replacements or more commonly "Oi new lad get the kettle on".

I had the choice of going to Kuwait as an augmentee or not going.

So I went by myself.*

* - Well I sort of knew three people. I still got to make lots of tea though.

Sitting, Watching, Waiting

2008-01-12T09:01:00.000Z

It was the autumn of 2002 and things were getting interesting.

It looked like we'd be going to war. It looked like this was going to be 'the war' of my army generation.

Whilst some British forces had gone to Afghanistan the year before things were quiet there now. There were still a few guys around who'd been out on Op Granby (the retaking of Kuwait) in 1991. There were a few guys who'd been shot at in Northern Ireland or caught in a crossfire in Bosnia but most of us were virgins. Untested in combat and never had someone try to kill them.

Most of us were looking forward to it. Most of us were excited.

Funny how quickly things can change.

Where's Everyone Gone?

2007-12-22T09:37:00.002Z

Honestly - you take a year off and when you come back everyone has disappeared. My sidebar now links to several sex sites and other dubious cybersquatting sites.

I obviously have some catching up to do. In the meantime (and whilst I work out something interesting to say about Iraq) may I recommend the following series of articles about a British Battalion in Basrah by Michael Yon, an independent American war blogger:

Men of Valor - Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV.

Back - For A Bit

2007-12-19T23:39:00.000Z

Since I left I've moved house (again) and spent some time sunning myself in Iraq. On the positive side the army, and it's relationship with the general public has come back into the media. After some negative press about the military covenant there has been a resurgence in homecoming parades.

We, in the military, accept that not all of the campaigns which we are involved in are popular, but appreciate the increased public support which we are receiving.

How do you see it - civilian side that is?

Stand Down

2006-08-15T20:12:00.000+01:00

As you know I'm just a tad busy at the minute.

I'm also finding it hard to find anything new to say on this blog. Hence the reason it's all got a bit crap lately.

So for the time being Universal Soldier is being stood down.

I'll almost certainly start blogging elsewhere.

I might be back here at some point. We'll see.

Thanks for reading.

How Exciting

2006-08-15T06:56:00.000+01:00

Looking forward to trying out the new version of blogger - that makes me sad doesn't it?

Answers - #10

2006-08-12T19:00:00.000+01:00

Gonorr asked:

"PBI* or support?"

Well I used to be the former until my body decided it wasn't such a smart move and now I'm definitely a REMF.

* - Poor Bloody Infantry. Support = support troops - did you know there are something like 9 support troops to keep 1 infantry soldier in the field?

Here Comes The Bride

2006-08-10T17:56:00.000+01:00

Although it is nearly 8 years ago I can still feel the ice in belly as I woke up on the morning I was due to get married.

The party had started the night before with a little 'light ' karaoke that had broken the ice between the in-laws and assorted guests but had left me with a slightly thick head despite my best intentions.

For any budding grooms out there can I recommend a 5 mile run and a full cooked breakfast to get rid of any wedding jitters.

Oh and getting into a spankingly smart uniform helped too.

And walking through my home town with all the passers bye gawping helped too.

And a couple of pints in my local helped too.

As for the wedding - well it's all a bit of a blur really (and that had nothing to do with the couple of pints).

I do remember seeing the soon to be Mrs Soldier walking down the aisle - red hair standing out even more than usual because of her wedding dress.

I do remember giving my wrong hand to Mrs Soldier and ending up shortly after the wedding being told that I was a prat and had my ring on the wrong hand.

I do remember thinking "Oh dear" as the lads who'd come over from my regiment sat down at a table with the only available ladies and then ordered tequila - at about 3 in the afternoon.

I do remember thinking "That'll be the tequila" when some of my friends decided they couldn't wait for the first dance.

I do remember thinking "Oh shit" when the DJ decided it would be a good idea to play 'Kung Fu Fighting'. *

But apart from that it was all a bit of a very pleasant blur.

* - Fortunately just the one casualty when one of the blokes managed to 'accidentally' kick his missus in the head.

Answers - #9

2006-08-09T19:02:00.000+01:00

Dr Jest asked:

"How much does the regimental tradition still survive with all the political buggering about, and is this(the tradition)for good or ill?"

Yes the regimental tradition survives even though some famous regiments were forced to merge during the last round of tinkering.* Yes I believe the regimental tradition is a good one - every soldier in every infantry battalion is 100% convinced that they are in the best battalion in the whole army. Regimental life brings with it a sense of family that can be very important for both the soldier and his family when he is on operations. It also brings a sense of history and place that I personally believe to be important.

Having said that I really don't believe that soldiers fight for their battalion, regiment or even country most of the time. The soldiers who are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan generally do so well because they are fighting for their mates and they don't want to be the one to let the team down.

* - tinkering that was actually long overdue and has been carried out in a sensible way.

R.I.P

2006-08-01T19:20:00.000+01:00

Coming Home

2006-07-31T20:51:00.000+01:00

I've got a short pause in the madness that is currently my life of work, getting ready to move and trying to have a family life, so back to the memoir for a short moment.

I loved my first 6 month tour of Bosnia. It's a beautiful country filled with passionate people (who sometimes want to kill each other) and I hope to return there someday as a tourist rather than a soldier.

But 6 months is 6 months. 6 months of not being able to walk out of the camp unless I was working. 6 months of living in a a porta-kabin. 6 months of work without a real day off. 6 months of living in the pockets of other people whether I wanted to be there or not.

So there was a mixture of relief and sadness as I got on the coach to take me to the airport.

Oh and a little nervousness as well - I was getting married in a fortnight.

Answers - #8

2006-07-31T11:54:00.000+01:00

FourDinners also asked:

"Are there many Officers like the (ex) one we've got at work from Deepcut? (intimidating bully who's going to lose some bits of his anatomy when he transfers to our shift. If he behaves as he does on his current shift his balls will be leaving via the top of his head)"

Erm - I suppose like any large organisation there will always be a few people who reach a level of management which they shouldn't have reached. Most of our officers these days are actually very good although sometimes the more junior officers can overestimate their own importance.

The stereo-type of the public school boy turned officer who has a private income is to a large extent totally misplaced these days. These days they tend to come from all sorts of backgrounds and fewer and fewer talk with plummy accents.

P.S My ultimate test for any officer is - "Would I single handedly storm a machine gun position if this person asked me to." I.E - if they asked me to do something fairly suicidal would I do it. There are probably three officers I've worked for in the last 12 years who if they asked I would trust that it really needed doing and there was no other way.

PostSecret For Egomaniacs.

2006-07-29T17:34:00.000+01:00

Fed up with Blair, Bush and Kim Jong-Il? Think you can do better? Pop over to Postcard Manifesto and prove it then.

(Clair - I promise I'll get my arse in gear and buy a postcard really soon)

Answers - #7

2006-07-29T07:00:00.000+01:00

Four Dinners asked:

"Have you ever shot anybody?

Have you ever been (personally as opposed to generally in the midst of many) been shot or shot at?"

I sort of answered number 1 a while back here but no I haven't shot anyone since then.

I've sort of been shot at twice. Once I'm fairly sure it was a case of the totally inappropriately named 'friendly fire' and was just one round that landed a bit too close for comfort.

The second time was during the invasion of Iraq. I was actually that far from the front line that I had to send my laundry forward. Someone did, however, fire a surface to surface missile at us and it landed in the 'neighbourhood'.

So I guess really it's a no on both counts.

Answers - #6

2006-07-26T18:23:00.000+01:00

JJ asked:

"Weren't you terrified signing up initally for 22 years? Such a long time had it turned out to be the wrong choice for you (which clearly it is not)."

Actually we aren't committed for 22 years - which is a ridiculously long time. It used to be the case that people would sign for 8 or 12 years. Nowadays we get a 22 year contract but we are only committed for the first 4 years. After that we are pretty much guaranteed employment for the remaining 18 years. If we want to leave we can at any point but have to 12 months notice.

Answers - #5

2006-07-24T18:16:00.000+01:00

Ellie also asked:

"Do you ever rethink your career? Wish you were a corporate whore and not a gun toter? (Grass is always greener, no?)"

Erm - don't we all think 'What if?' sometimes. Financially I actually do ok - about £30K last year and that includes very cheap rent. If I leave at the end of my 22 years I'll also be on a pension of about £15k a year and I'll only be in my early 40s.

But yes, sometimes I hate my job and want to leave - the fact that I have to give a years notice is usually what stops me from doing it.

Answers - #4

2006-07-22T18:06:00.000+01:00

Ellie asked:

"Do they eat powdered eggs in the HM's army? What are powdered eggs really? What's the best army food? What's the worst?"

1. I don't think so.

2. I hate to think.

3. It depends whether you mean rations or the everyday food that is served in the cookhouse. In camp the army feeds its single soldiers on less than a fiver a day for 3 meals and as such the quality is a bit iffy at times. As for the ration packs - my favourite is chicken and mushroom pasta (which if memory serves rightly is actually a breakfast option). I also have a bizarre penchant for fruit dumplings in butterscotch sauce which the remaining 104,999 people in the army hate but I find quite tasty.

4. I can't stand the bacon and beans option in the ration packs - which is unfortunate because it is the most common.

Answers - #3

2006-07-20T17:55:00.000+01:00

The Blonde asked:

How do you feel about the professionalism of the British army in comparison with other countries armies?

Virtually every where we operate these days we do so as a part of multi-national force. This means we get plenty of opportunity to see what other armies are like.

Are we the best?

I suppose it depends how you measure things. We certainly don't have the best kit and we are small in numbers.

I know I'm biaised but man for man I would still rate us as the best army in the world. As for the rest - I'd work with the Canadians anyday; I found the Americans very mixed - some very, very good and some very slack; the Scandanavians nations are always good to work with; the Dutch army certainly have the best looking women (and they wear camouflaged shorts in the summer); and while I hate to say it while I wouldn't want to peacekeep with the French again I'd certainly want to go to war with them.

Answers - #2

2006-07-13T17:42:00.000+01:00

Cookie Monster asked:

"how do you feel when you hear the british action in afghanistan and iraq criticised? im guessing it must make you feel pretty unloved/unappreciated back home here in blighty. is that accurate?"

Tricky - I'm not entirely sure that the media are against us per se. Certainly in the early days of the Iraq deployment the press was primarily anti-going-to-war rather than anti-British-Army. At the end of the day the media are after a story and sometimes we are an easy target.

Some stories really irritate us - e.g British soldiers caught taking drugs - this story runs regularly but all it really illustrates is that a) We randomly drugs test all our employees and b) If they are caught we kick them out.

The other stories that I wish were dealt with in a different manner are the allegations of 'war crimes' in Iraq - these stories do raise tensions in the theatres of operations and on at least one occasion it would appear that the publication of story led to an attack resulting in the deaths of two soldiers. I think we - in the army - are fully agreed that anyone breaking the rules should be dealt with - but why not wait until the outcome of the disciplinary hearing before publishing anything.

Do we feel unloved? - No I don't think so but as Richard Holmes pointed out in Dusty Warriors these days there are very few people in the country who know someone well who is serving. So unloved - no, not understood - yes.

Answers - #1

2006-07-13T17:30:00.000+01:00

The Boy asked:

"From the outside, what looks like the hardest thing about army life is the time away from family. Is that true, and if not, what do you find most difficult about the army life?"

This is a really tricky one. When I first joined up the time away was a major attraction, but of course at the time I was young(ish) free and single. In many ways, yes, the time away these days is the hardest thing - probably more so for the family than for me as whenever I'm away I have friends with me. But yes it's hard breaking your kids hearts on a regular basis.

Other things I find hard:

Never really being able to put down roots - again something that was an attraction 12 years ago has now become a negative point.
Having a very green 2Lt fresh from training telling you to do something which you know is particularly stupid and them not listening to a word you have to say - although I assume that applies to most jobs in one form or another.

Keep the questions coming!

Busy Busy Busy

2006-07-11T18:05:00.000+01:00

I'm going to be rather busy fairly soon, first with work and then with moving the family a few hundred miles.

Which is going to lead to a bit of a pause on the blogging front.

Before I shoot off I was wondering if anyone has any questions they'd like answered about life in the army. I'll try to do any answers as complete posts in themselves and get someone else to publish them in my absence.

So fire away.

Welcome To The TimeWarp

2006-07-10T20:37:00.000+01:00

It was shortly after my Op Cygnet that I was due the three letters that bring an instant smile to your average squaddie:

R n R

Two weeks at home. Well ten days at home by the time you've had a couple of days travelling either end.

But still good.

Very good.

I wonder what Stephen Hawking would make of the R n R phenomenon.

In the weeks immediately preceding R n R time slows to an almost imperceptible grind. Think being a child waiting for Christmas and multiple that by a factor of about 10.

The time-space continuum* continues to be affected when you reach the airport although this may have more to do with our lovely friends the RAF than any alteration to the basic physics of the universe.

And then home.

By the time you've had a decent bath, slept in a decent bed and had more than two pints of your favourite beer then 10 days are over and it's time to head back.

* No - I'm not a Trekkie.

Operation Cygnet

2006-07-06T18:07:00.000+01:00

Being bumped around in the back of the LandRover and I was beginning to regret taking my boss up on the offer of a weekend in Split. It was in the mid-30s, very little of the draught from the drivers window was reaching me and knees were tucked up under my chin.

The boss had some sort of meeting to attend and had managed to get a few of us transit accomodation for the weekend.

A few hours later, sat in civi clothing in a pizzeria on the waterfront and all complaints about the trip down had disappeared. If you squinted with your mind you could almost forget that you were on an operational tour and pretend it was just you and the lads on holiday.

Well you could until you clambered back into the LandRover for the 6 hour trip back north that is.

My Battalion Went To Bosnia And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

2006-07-04T19:47:00.000+01:00

It was about half way through the tour that the list came around. A tour t-shirt, only about £6.

Great I thought.

Now eightish years later the washing line at my house can resemble a pictorial representation of my military career.

Phew What A Scorcher!

2006-07-03T20:30:00.000+01:00

If, like me, you've spent the last few days sweltering* and on occasion moaning about how hot and sticky it is then just pause and think about this:

In Basra today it is 45C (that's about 110F), at night time it gets down to a cooler 30C.

There are blokes today sat in the back of what is effectively a large, well insulated metal box (otherwise known as a Warrior Fighting Vehicle). This doesn't have any air-conditioning.

As well as their full uniform they will be wearing body armour, helmet and webbing.

On the flip side, the pie-eaters amongst them are likely to lose a bit of weight.

* - For overseas readers it's been warm here for the past week - reaching 30C - that's over 80F - and boy are we unused to it.

Keys

2006-07-02T19:21:00.000+01:00

This is particularly random and has nothing to do with what normally ends up on here.

The other day I was trying to rationalise my keyring. Maybe the fact that I was trying to rationalise it in the first place says something about me.

Anyway this is what I've ended up with:

A mini-caribiner (which basically forms the keyring).
Keys - well they're pretty much an essential.
A miniature torch.
A miniature compass.
A bottle opener (and yes this does say something about me).
An 'Animal' keyfob (this used to actually be the keyring but has kind of been subsumed by all the other rubbish).

Now I'm fairly sure that I could survive with No.2 being attached to No.1 and nothing else but the rest has accumulated sentimal value over the years.

At least I know when I've got my keys in my pocket.

So what do you have on your keyring?

Mine

2006-06-30T15:37:00.000+01:00

There's a Blackadder sketch where Blackadder and George are talking about mines. Every minewarfare lesson I've ever had has had this sketch as an introduction. The script goes something along the lines of:

George: If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?

Blackadder: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.

This is very funny (no trust me it is) and I always laugh. Patrolling around a small Bosnian town and seeing 5 year old child missing both legs below the knee puts a different spin on things.

There is a particularly nasty mine in the Balkans known as the PROM-2. If you were unfortunate enough to sit through Behind Enemy Lines then this is the mine that the hero manages to outrun. He is the only person ever to outrun a PROM-2.

The mine has 6 tripwires running from its centre and is very sensitive. If you set it off a small explosive charge pops it out of the ground to about waist height before the main charge spreads shrapnel over a wide area. If you are lucky, and you are an adult, then all that will happen is that you will lose both legs. Of course if you are child then it will take your head off.

There are still thousands of mines buried in the Balkans. I think about that sometimes when I'm going for a walk in the countryside in the UK.

Phew

2006-06-25T09:57:00.000+01:00

Back in 2006 we've just found out where we are going to be for the next two years. It can be quite strange sometimes knowing that you are going to be uprooting your family but having no idea where you are going to.

Now we are waiting to be told where we'll be living (please let it be a house) although our first look at the new place will be when we turn up.

Would you move to a house you'd never seen?

Watching

2006-06-24T07:19:00.000+01:00

"How long do you reckon they're going to be?"

"I've no idea."

"I'm f**king bored."

"Me too."

We'd been sat in a layby on a hill. There were a number of UN vehicles in the layby. Halfway down the hill there were people digging.

The war had passed through the area a number of years before. There'd been a number of local atrocities - mainly committed by people from neighbouring villages who had traded with each other, drunk with each other and generally got on well. I'd never understood the localised blood letting. I could sort of understand how vicious bastards like Arkan could move into areas and terrorise the local population. But the prospect of getting one of your neighbours to castrate another one of your neighbours with his teeth before getting them to try to kill each other was a bit beyond me.

The first of the body bags came up the hill and went into the UN truck.

I was quite glad I was bored in my LandRover.

Englands 11

2006-06-20T12:55:00.000+01:00

If any of you hadn't noticed 11 blokes keep turning out to represent the country at kicking a football around a field. This has got me thinking, and I've had plenty of time for that this week. Which 11 people would I pick to represent the country as a whole. This is my list:

The Queen - whatever you want to say about the Royals she still does a fantastic job at representing this country.

Delia Smith - the 'saviour' of British cooking? Dunno - but the girl's done well. Also very funny on Sky Sports when she's drunk.

Tommy Atkins - ok so he doesn't really exist but the archetypal English soldier of the two world wars. We have a lot to thank him for.

Del Boy - where would this country be without people like him?

William Shakespeare - need I say more?

John Constable - ok maybe his paintings are the England of yesteryear but they do some up the English countryside.

The Beatles - slightly cheating here because there are four of them.

John Cleese - to represent the best of British humour - I'd probably cheat here as well and have the entire Monty Python team.

Nelson - not a massive fan of the navy but the boy done good.

Boris Johnson - represents the best, and worst of British politicians.

Prince William - because he's a nice bloke and will do the country well in the future.

So who would you pick?

You've Got Mail

2006-06-18T09:44:00.000+01:00

It's always nice to get a letter. A proper one that is. Not just something that arrives in your inbox.

The British army supplies 'blueys' - free airmail letters - to both soldiers and to anyone who wants to write to them*.

The arrival of a bluey is often the highpoint of your day. A link back to the normal world. The more difficult the situation the bigger the morale factor of a letter arriving.

Somewhere up in my loft there is a box with all the blueys I received from Mrs Soldier when I was in Bosnia. Must go and find them.

I'd also like to point out that a no point did any vile squaddie wipe his arse on a bluey, fold it up and mail it to his mate somewhere else in the country. No - that definitely didn't happen.

* - You can walk into a post office and ask for some if you like. Try addressing a letter to "A British soldier in Iraq" and see what sort of response you get.

Wedding Planning

2006-06-16T17:03:00.000+01:00

Some of you might remember that sometime before I'd gone to Bosnia I'd got engaged.

My advice for anyone who is planning on getting married is to b****er off to Bosnia for 6 months and leave the future Mrs Soldier to it.

Discipline

2006-06-14T20:34:00.000+01:00

This is what the British Army has to say about it. I think most of it has come out in the comments on the previous post, possibly with the exception of the bit about military law:

The Army is, of necessity, an hierarchical institution, which must be structured in peace as it is for war if it is to be trained and ready to deploy at short notice on operations. To be effective on those operations, the Army must then act as a disciplined force. Commanders must be certain that their orders will be carried out, and everybody must be confident that they will not be let down by their comrades. Lives may depend on it, as may the success of the mission. Good discipline also helps to conquer fear. The best discipline - which the Army expects from every soldier -is self-discipline. This comes from a sense of commitment and loyalty, and a readiness to put the needs of others, and of the mission, ahead of self-interest. For example, to keep on fighting when in danger or isolated, to stay alert on sentry when tired, cold or wet, and to keep going when frightened or exhausted.
Because discipline is so vital to success on operations, commanders must be able to enforce it when necessary. That requires clearly understood rules and a military legal system which can deal with offences such as absence, desertion or insubordination which are not found in civil law. And if it is to work in war, such a system must be in place in peace, for it cannot be turned on and off at will. Discipline must therefore be rigorously but fairly upheld by all those in positions of authority, and self-discipline must be deeply rooted.

Standards and Values - Discipline

2006-06-11T09:13:00.000+01:00

The third of the standards and values that the army expects of its troops is discipline.

So what does that mean to you?

You Can Take Your Latte and.....

2006-06-10T07:36:00.000+01:00

Bosnian's don't do skinny lattes or caramel frapuccinos. Coffee drinking in the Balkans is almost a feat of strength. Although they'll be more than impressed if you can hold your booze they'll be even more impressed if you can drink your coffee.

When I was out there if you were given a coffee it came in an espresso sized cups although it made a Starbucks espresso look like a decaf cup of water.

At least half of the cup was filled with coffee grounds and you had to drink it through closed teeth. This stuff put hairs on your chest.

My record was five cups in an hour. I didn't sleep for two days afterwards.*

I still miss it now though.

* - Well ok a slight exageration.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

2006-06-09T08:24:00.000+01:00

I can't remember who Croatia were playing but whoever it was it was a very important match for them.

The Croatians won and for the next couple of hours we had a heavy weight of tracer being fired into the air from the Bosnian Croat half of town.

It was two days later that they found him. An old bloke, living by himself a little way out of town. He'd been minding his own business, sat on his veranda.

He had a very neat little hole in the top of his head. And he was very dead.

Ayia Napa Metal Factory

2006-06-08T06:09:00.000+01:00

Before the conflict Banja Luka Metal Factory had been just that - a metal factory in the town of Banja Luka. As a large site with big buildings it had been taken over by peacekeepers when they moved in and had ended up being one of the Multi-National Division HQs.

By the time we arrived in Bosnia, BLMF had become REMF heaven. We'd go up there from our own camp on various admin taskings and see what we were missing out on.

Every nation had its own store. Every nation had its own bar. The Dutch ran a particularly good cafe with outstanding coffee and a good take on a British fryup.

When they weren't at work people wore 'normal' clothes. On Friday evenings you'd think people were going out for a night out in the UK - blokes with trendy shirts, lasses dolled up to the nines.

And were we jealous.

Course we were but we just muttered "REMF b*****ds" and drove back to our camp with its portakabin bar and two cans a night.

Are You Taking The P**s?

2006-06-06T19:50:00.000+01:00

Well yes. Literally they were.

The Compulsory Drugs Testing (CDT) team has a far reach. It doesn't matter whether you are on adventure training skiing, on tour in Bosnia or back in camp the CDT team can turn up. I've always found it odd how they turn up when the snow is around or if there's a particularly bad patch of weather they turn up in Belize or somewhere equally sunny but there you go.

So we got drugs tested in Bosnia. Maybe I'm being naive but quite how we were supposed to be getting drugged up out there was news to me.

The one thing that always amuses me, even to today, about the CDT programme, is how righteous some of the main stream media can be when blokes get caught out.

Don't get me wrong. I think the fact that CDT is there, and that we chuck out people who get caught, is actually a good thing.

It's just I'd like to see the newspaper that reports about "Drug Shame in British Army" actually CDT it's own workers.

I'm sure then it would become a matter of 'Human Rights' rather than 'Army Shame'.

Oh and later on in my career I've had the delight of being a 'willy watcher' - checking that the blokes are actually peeing in the test tube and not pouring someone elses in. Now there's a good days work for you.

Two Cans

2006-06-05T20:46:00.000+01:00

Two cans.

That's what the army says you can drink when you are on operations.

Two cans of beer.

And not all the time. Sometimes it's nothing*. And then sometimes two cans might mean two jerrycans.**

I'm sorry but if you are a wine/spirits/alcopops drinker then you're probably going to be thirsty.

Well until you finish your 6 months and then we all seem to play catch up for a bit.

* And I'm not complaining. Sometimes you or the situation is far too busy for anyone to have any alcohol in their system.

** Not that we'd ever break the rules - just bend them a bit.

How To Win Friends And Influence People

2006-06-04T18:36:00.000+01:00

We'd taken one of the Warriors out for a run to check some mechanics. We'd ended up at a CD selling shack. For once I decided I didn't want anything and me and my mate left the 'shop'. One of the other lads was still looking.

We were stood outside at a kiosk selling cans of drink. We kept casting glances back inside.

"Beautiful lady," the bloke at the kiosk says.

The woman in the CD shop was indeed quite beautiful in the Balkans kind of way that lasts until they reach their thirtieth birthday when they become fat, ugly and wear black shawls.

We decided to use some of the vocabulary that the interpreters had taught us since we'd been out there.

Me: "Ya, Dobra Cici*" - (Yes, good tits)

My Mate: "Ya, Dobra Dupe" (Yes, good arse)

Kiosk Bloke: "That's my sister."

Whoops.

* - For anyone who does speak Serbo-Croat - you will have to excuse the spelling.

Humble

2006-06-03T07:55:00.000+01:00

We'd been out on a patrol checking to see if any DPREs (Displaced Persons and Refugees) had returned to one of the outlying villages. We'd heard that some were due back. Sometimes this caused massive tensions as people who'd lived together for years, then spent a couple of years trying to kill each other, were finally reintegrated.

The village itself consisted of about 15 houses. None of the roofs were still intact. Even pre-war it didn't look like it had had running water or electricity.

We found the returnees - a family of four. At least one of the children wouldn't have been born when they'd been forced to leave during the war.

Like many returnees the family were trying to weatherproof their house with a UN 'kit' consisting of tarpaurlins and see through plastic sheeting.

We didn't have an interpreter and fairly quickly our faltering Serbo-Croat ran out. We made do with sign language. We were invited in and they made us coffee.

Then they brought out the food. It consisted of cabbage, flour and water made into some sort of strudel. And it was cold.

But it was their food for the day.

And they wanted us to have it.

Murphy's Laws For The Army - Number Fifteen

2006-06-02T14:23:00.000+01:00

The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

CDs, Get Your CDs Here

2006-05-28T08:14:00.000+01:00

The war in the Balkans had ruined the economy. Most heavy industry had suffered and there was little light industry. Susbsistence farming had been a way of life for many but the ethnic cleansing and presence of mines prevented people from returning to their old way of life. For many of the younger generation the prospect of returning to an isolated village with no electricity or running water after a few years living in a major town was not a pleasant one.

So how do you make a living in a country like that?

It was quite simple really. You flogged CDs of dubious copyright legality to the peacekeeping forces stationed in your country. On some of the main routes there would be a small shack selling all the latest hits every mile or so. Outside some of the main SFOR camps there would be a whole host of outlets - all promising you the latest tunes at the cheapest prices.

The squaddies loved it.

And when your only opportunity for retail therapy for 6 months was buying CDs - you bought CDs.

Looking back at my CD collection now you can tell when I was in the Balkans by the number of crap CDs I own from a particular year. Did I really need that R Kelly - Singles Collection, I'm now wondering.

A Trip Up Route Gull

2006-05-27T07:15:00.000+01:00

During my first tour in Bosnia I wasn't working in a normal infantry platoon. The job I was doing got me out and about all over the country and I routinely journeyed from one end of the Battalion area to the other.

This suited me fine and the more of the country I saw the more I loved it. One day I hope to go back with my wife and travel along some of the routes.

My favourite stretch of road was Route Gull. Wending its way north, following the line of the Vrbas river. A trip along it was never dull.

Beginning in the fertile, farmed areas you'd overtake hand drawn carts piled impossibly high with hay. The wife stoically plodding along while the husband sauntered along, scythe over his shoulder and the inevitable cigarette smouldering away.

Not surprisingly, the plains had seen much fighting and as you drove through some villages with not a single house left with its roof, you could see the progess of the battles.

As Route Gull connected up with the river the terrain changed. Foothills sprung up either side of the road. The route, orginally a cattle path, had somehow been clawed out of the space between the steep rocky walls of the valley and the river.

Hairpins every hundred metres or so combined with the eccentricities of the average Bosnian driver made this stretch of the route intresting to say the least. You would have thought that the presence of the rusting hulk of a car every mile or so in the river bed would have served as some sort of warning. Whether the war had made life cheap or whether the average Bosnian driver actually believed that they were invincible is a debatable point. Whatever the case maybe overtaking on hairpin bends was the norm rather than the exception.

As the route moved further north it climbed up one side of the hillside giving views back down onto the river. Perched on top of a small rocky outcrop on the other side of the valley, a small decaying stone hillfort dating back to the Ottoman Empire, offered a reminder that the situation here dated back hundreds of years.

Eventually Route Gull pops out of the Vrbas valley into the plains near Banja Luka. I can't remember exactly where the route names changed but eventually you'd join up with a 'motorway'. This offered its own unique driving challenges. A single lunatic driver overtaking on a hairpin was one thing. A steady stream of lunatic drivers convinced beyond doubt that they were the only individual with right of way was a completely different kettle of fish.

For anyone interested I found a great collection of photos of Bosnia here.

A Week Of Interesting Questions.

2006-05-21T06:33:00.000+01:00

At the moment (I.E not in the memoir) I've had a very boring week. The upside is that it's been with a good bunch of blokes I didn't know before. Topics of conversation to date:

What makes a biscuit a biscuit, a cake a cake, and a chocolate bar a chocolate bar? Where do Twix, Jaffa Cakes and Tunnocks Caramel Wafers fit into the equation?
What would win in a fair fight - a crocodile or a great White Shark? - We decided it depended whether the fight was in the water or not - on land the Shark is pretty useless.
If you had to spend 5 years travelling to Mars and back which 2 female celebrities would you take to accompany you?
Who is harder - Batman or Spiderman?

The questions have run a little dry the last couple of days - any suggestions?

About Town

2006-05-14T06:45:00.000+01:00

The town we'd been deployed to was perhaps fairly representative of the country as a whole.

Prior to the war the town had been of mixed ethnic groups and the Bosnian Croats and Bosniacs had lived quite happily together.

During the early stages of the conflict the area had been defended against a Bosnian Serb advance.

Later on when infighting between Bosnian Croats and Bosniacs had broken out in the country the town split.

The main road through the town had become a front line with Bosnian Croats on one side and Bosniacs on the other. Former neighbours and friends had become bitter enemies.

Although the fighting had ended by the time I arrived the results of the conflict were still very evident. Bullets had pockmarked every house close to the road. Roofless houses, an enduring sight from the country, were everywhere. The open areas around the town were now draped with white tape and signs warning of minefields. The population remained deeply suspicious of each other.

Things I Hate About The Army - #2

2006-05-12T19:41:00.000+01:00

I've been forcibly reminded this week that there's a slight difference between the kingsize double bed I'm used to and something that feels about 2 feet wide, my feet hang over the end and the springs are that slack that it feels like I'm in a hammock.

Ah - the joy that is an army bed in transit accomodation.

Name That Road

2006-05-07T09:03:00.000+01:00

Whenever the army go anywhere they rename the road system.

It makes sense really. You move into a war torn country and road signs are likely to be lacking somewhat.

So the nice chappies in the Royal Military Police take along a lot of signs with little symbols on them and rename the roads. You can sometimes see the signs on roads around the UK if there's been a major exercise.

In Bosnia we had Route Gull (which was my favourite and more on that another day), Route Square and Route Diamond. There were a host of others that I can't remember now.

So my question is this. If you could rename a road in this country what would you call it and why?

Overheard

2006-05-07T08:58:00.000+01:00

Overheard at Twickenham yesterday:

Squaddie: "So how's this compare with the crowd you get at an international match?"

Policeman: "Well you get far more twats at the internationals but you lot are professional drinkers."

Is that a compliment?

Ouch

2006-05-05T17:10:00.000+01:00

I can almost feel the hangover already.

I'm going to be busy for the next few weeks so I probably won't be posting as much.

Am I Living In Box, Am I Living in a....

2006-05-04T19:23:00.000+01:00

The mere mention of a Corimec will bring out a wry smile in some squaddies and a cold sweat in others.

A prefabricated box about 4m long and 2m wide it would accomodate anything between 1 and 4 soldiers.

In the early versions you were lucky if you got a window that opened or a functioning heater. These days if you are lucky you get aircon.

When I turned up and 'moved in' to my Corimec in Bosnia the first thing I noticed was the elaborate guttering that the previous occupant had fashioned out of polystyrene cups.

It was certainly going to be interesting when it rained.

* - Pictures from this website.

Show and Tell

2006-05-03T19:10:00.000+01:00

Courtesy of the lovely Annie who is the kind of cool teacher I wish I'd had at school. So tonights homework is explaining my links list:

After The Rat Race - Laura has turned her back on a high faluting lifestyle and is back studying - when she's not finding excuses not to.

Backroads - funny bits and pieces. He doesn't like other peoples children by the way - that's still better than me - I don't particularly like my own.

BoyOnTop - a recent addition - the Boy within the Man. Mainly domestic goings on which I can relate to.

Brom Man - not around as much as he used to be. Scientist and part-time musician.

Copper's Blog - the now infamous David Copperfield relates the trials and tribulations of modern day policing. And it's funny too.

Chav Mum - funny, very funny.

Chez Milady - lots and lots of poo, sex and drinking - sounds appealing huh? Funny (if you hadn't noticed I like funny).

D Flat Chime Bar - a Surly Girl being surly (and humourous - see how I looked up another word for funny there).

Earth Girl - one of the first blogs I ever read - she ditched a boring job and is travelling for a year.

Easily Lead - great photos of somewhere I love and lots of other interesting stuff too.

Everything Is Electric - a gelastic blog (according to Rogets that's another word for funny - sounds a bit rude if you ask me).

Four Dinners - pretends he doesn't give a f**k - obviously does. And he's a trade union rep as well.

GirlOnATrain - short and too the point. And now my music library is much bigger.

GirlWithA - Pink's not very happy at the minute so pop over and say hi - oh and if you ask nicely she sometimes posts pictures of her bum and boobs.

Greavsie - nice bloke and waggish with it.

Guyana Gyal - fantastic tales and fabulous writing.

Haggiswurst - tales from a local council.

Happy Dave - bits and pieces from a bloke who's happy.

I Am Livid - says what I'm usually thinking. Dryer than a dry martini.

I'm Not A Drain On Society - Merys is going to be a doctor one day.

Informationally Overloaded - beautiful blog, fascinating content.

JonnyB - FUNNY.

JustJane - lovely lady.

L'Oiseau - get yourself a hat, she's getting married.

LittleRedBoat - Anna is a much better writer than most of her colleagues at the Guardian.

Mrs Soldier - the missus - nuff said!

MyBoyfriendIsATwat - yes he might be but he likes Kylie. Zoe's blog is rapidly becoming the U2 of blog award ceremonies.

NF Girl - she's notoriously fickle apparently. Not Safe For Work. Definitely not safe for you mum and dad.

Past Imperfect - Pat finally started a blog and it's fascinating.

Petite Anglaise - another blog superstar, currently missing in action but I'm sure she'll be back soon.

Seize The Nite - every post a drama in itself.

Slaminsky - she started this - blame her. Oh and send her a postcard.

Special Copper - doing a job I wouldn't want to get paid for and doing it for free.

Status Anxiety - come back Anxious we love you!

Trolley Park - has a strange fetish for trolleys. Oh and she's an artist too.

Vitrolica Webb'site - lovely pictures which frequently adorn my desktop.

View Through My Window - another dad trying to get through life and managing to make it funny too.

Gentlemen Start Your Engines

2006-05-02T17:20:00.000+01:00

Apparently instead of having Formula One car racing in Croatia they prefered to race coaches.

At least that was the only reason I could think of for the driver having fitted racing slicks to his vehicle.

Which was a really comforting thought as the driver began to negotiate a series of hair pin bends on our way out of Split.

As we gained height you could look down on Split itself. From above there was a stark contrast between the traditional architecture and the stark concrete blocks that had arisen during the communist era.

Sitting there I began to wonder about the driver. He would certainly have been of military age during the conflict.

Had he killed people? Had he fought decently or committed atrocities? Had he fought at all?

This was a question that regularly ran through mind during my time in the Balkans. It was also one which was very rarely answered. Few people would admit to having fought and those who did were very reticent about what they had experienced.

Leaving On A Jet Airplane

2006-05-01T18:27:00.000+01:00

We'd been training for several months and now it was time to get on the plane. Apart from the language and history training we'd spent weeks practicing our shooting. We'd practiced patrolling around a pretend village that looked like it belonged more in West Belfast than Western Bosnia. We'd learnt what to do if we ended up in one of the many minefields still in existence (stay very, very still).

The Bosnia we were flying into wasn't one of daily sniping and mortar attacks - the Dayton Peace agreement had been signed sometime earlier. We were still going to be keeping the peace however.

We flew out to Split airport on a Sabena airlines 747.

We spent most of the flight ogling the pretty Belgian stewardesses.

I'm fairly certain the slightly camp Belgian steward spent most of the flight returning the favour with interest.

Courage

2006-04-30T15:57:00.000+01:00

This is what the Army has to say about it:

"All soldiers must be prepared for tasks that involve the use of controlled lethal force: to fight. They may be required to take the lives of others, and knowingly to risk their own; to show restraint, even when doing so involves personal danger; and to witness injury or death to their comrades but still continue with the task in hand. This requires physical courage, and soldiers will depend on each other for it. Moral courage is equally important. That is the courage to do what is right even when it may be unpopular, or involve the risk of ridicule or danger; and to insist on maintaining the highest standards of decency and behaviour at all times and under all circumstances. In the end this will earn respect and foster trust.
Courage - both physical and moral - creates the strength upon which fighting spirit and success on operations depend. It is a quality needed by every soldier, but it is especially important for those placed in positions of authority, because others will depend on their lead and respond to it."

The emphasis is mine. I think these are the elements than can be particularly difficult to show in yet are probably the most important.

Standards and Values - Courage

2006-04-28T18:14:00.000+01:00

I'm off on my bank holiday weekend. In an earlier post I explained that the army laid out the values and standards it expects of its' soldiers.

So what do you think they mean by Courage?

Just Asking

2006-04-27T17:43:00.000+01:00

Just out of interest is anyone else getting an extra (free) day off work in recognition of the Queen's birthday?

We get one every year - not necessarily on her birthday - I've got a nice long weekend looming.

And You Are?

2006-04-26T17:41:00.000+01:00

Prior to the breakup of Yugoslavia there had been one army - the JNA. As the country split so did the army. Which was going to make things interesting.

"Erm excuse me Mr Heavily-Armed-Sort of Soldier would you mind awfully telling me whether you are a member of the ARBiH, MUP BiH, TO, HOS, Green Berets, Patriotic League, VRS, JNA, Arkan's Tigers, White Eagles, Scorpions, HVO or HV?"

Link

2006-04-26T07:15:00.000+01:00

Just saw this at Gonorr's blog and nearly fell off my chair.

Language Lessons

2006-04-25T17:15:00.000+01:00

I was one of the 'lucky few' selected for a weeks intensive Serbo-Croat language training. The teacher was herself a refugee from the conflict who was now making a decent living teaching the British Army.

Phrases I Learnt Which I Thought Might Come In Handy*:

Hello, my name is.....
British Army, stop or I fire.
Put down the weapon.
That place is dangerous - it is mined.

Phrases I Learnt Which I Didn't Think Would Come In Handy**:

I'd like a double en-suite room please.
A table for two.
We are ready to order now.
Can I have the bill please.

* - Actually I only used the first and last.
** - I hope to get to use some of these in the future.

History Lessons

2006-04-24T17:58:00.000+01:00

You might be surprised to know that before any planned deployment the soldiers are taught a bit about the history and culture of where they are going.

We learnt about the Ottoman Empire and the result its collapse had on the region.

We learnt how the assasination of Archduke Ferdinand in Sarajevo had sparked the First World War.

We learnt about the infighting during the Second World War, the role of the Ustase and the Communist partisans led by Tito.

We learnt how Tito had enforced peace on the different nations which made up Yugoslavia and how this peace had failed after his death.

In fact we learnt that the different peoples who made up Yugoslavia had been killing each other off and on for hundreds of years.

Unfortunately I didn't read "The Bridge on the River Drina" by Ivo Andric until after I'd finished my second tour in Bosnia. It is perhaps the best explanation of what has happened in that part of the world.

Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One

2006-04-21T17:49:00.000+01:00

"One country, with two alphabets, three religions, four main languages, five nationalities, six republics, and it was bordered by seven countries."

The first thing I remember learning about the Former Republic of Yugoslavia during pre-deployment training for Bosnia.

And I'd thought the situation in Northern Ireland had been complicated.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

2006-04-20T17:50:00.000+01:00

After the physical effort of skiing uphill and digging the snow hole I'd expected to get cold very quickly once we got inside.

I was pleasantly surprised by the effect lighting a candle had. Such a small flame rapidly warmed the snow hole enough that we were soon stripping off to our base layers.

I was even more pleasantly surprised when the instructor announced that the weather forecast for the night meant we wouldn't be staying overnight.

I'd like to say that we returned to the ski lodge, and a cold stein of Bavarian lager, in style - skiing the deep virgin powder snow to perfection.

Unfortunately describing our descent as 'skiing' would have been something of a lie - 'semi-controlled falling' would have been more apt.

Bloody good fun though.

And the beer went down well.

That's Snow Joke

2006-04-19T18:28:00.000+01:00

"Ok, so we've skiied to the top of this big mountain. Now you want me to dig a hole and sleep in it........?"

You Want Me To Do What?

2006-04-18T17:11:00.000+01:00

"OK, so let me see if I've got this right. We're going to be skiing uphill......"

We'd had five days of downhill skiing and now we were going to pay for it.

Are You Taking The Piste?

2006-04-17T06:29:00.000+01:00

"Right lads, we've got two spaces on the next adventure training package in Bavaria. It's ten days skiing but you have to chip in yourselves."

"How much Sarge?"

"Oh it's a hundred marks."

And that's how I got to go skiing for 10 days for 30 quid.

Selfless Commitment

2006-04-15T09:01:00.000+01:00

This is what the British Army has to say about it:

"On joining the Army soldiers accept an open-ended commitment to serve whenever and wherever they are needed, whatever the difficulties or dangers may be. This commitment is reflected in the wording of the Loyal Oath which is taken on attestation, and in which soldiers agree to subordinate their own interests to those of the unit, Army and Nation, as represented by the Crown. This could involve participation in a wide range of operations, from warfighting through peace support operations to assistance to the civil authority. Such commitment imposes certain limitations on individual freedom, and requires a degree of self-sacrifice. This may involve, for example, long periods of separation from family and friends, the disruption caused by a move at short notice, and the carrying out of regimental guards and duties. Ultimately it may require soldiers to lay down their lives. For those in positions of authority, it also requires them to discharge in full their responsibilities and their duty of care to subordinates, whether in peacetime or on operations.

This two-way obligation forms a covenant between the Army and its soldiers. Both share a common bond of identity, loyalty and responsibility for each other which is unwritten but unbreakable, and which has sustained the Army throughout its history. Soldiers volunteering for the British Army accept that, by putting the needs of the Service before their own, they will forgo some of the rights enjoyed by those outside the Armed Forces. But in return they can at all times expect fair treatment, to be valued and respected as an individual, and to be rewarded by reasonable terms and conditions of service. By extension, this covenant also exists between the Army and the Nation it serves."

Values & Standards - A Commander's Guide.

Standards & Values - Selfless Commitment

2006-04-13T15:57:00.000+01:00

I'm in a bit of a rush and won't be around for a couple of days so I'll leave you with this. In 2001 the Army published a document entitled 'Standards & Values'. It was an attempt, and a good one, to codify exactly what the army expects of the individual soldier and what each soldier should expect from his or her comrades.

Why was this necessary?

The hierarchy felt that in a changing society the 'traditional' values which had exemplified the British Army weren't understood enough.

The first value listed is 'Selfless Commitment'.

So tell me - what does this mean to you and do you ever see it in practice in your workplace?

I'll post the army explanation in a couple of days. For those of you who can't wait you can find it at the army website (link on my sidebar).

Things You Should Never Do #1

2006-04-12T17:53:00.000+01:00

We were in the the rest area of the guardroom. I'd just finished my hour checking peoples ID's at the main gate and now I didn't really have anything to do for the next few hours. We had a few videos but we'd seen them all before.

Me: "I'm bored."

Mate No.1: "Me too."

Mate No.2: "Bet I can eat more chillis than you can."

The Fat Controller

2006-04-11T17:45:00.000+01:00

The exercise dragged on with not much happening. Eventually ENDEX must have been called, I really can't remember, it was that exciting.

The nice chappies from the mobile shower units were set up at the rail yard and by the time we boarded the train we were cleanish.

After a month of disturbed sleep you'd think a sleeper carriage would be just what the doctor ordered. But after a few hours I'd slept enough and was just waiting to get back to camp and have a nice cold beer.

As we crossed the border back into Germany we were shunted into a siding. There was an important train of coal that took priority over us and they needed to change the locomotive.

And then someone, somehow forgot about us. I can just imagine the conversation:

"Hans - I'm sure I've forgotten something."

"Ah well Ludwig I'm sure if it was important you'd remember."

So we got to spend 2 days on a sleeper carriage.

Which was nice.

Digging, Digging, Digging

2006-04-10T17:33:00.000+01:00

Picture the scene.

You've spent nearly 18 hours digging a trenc h to the required depth, width, length, etc.

You are tired, your hands are blistered and your back hurts.

Then the message comes:

"Sorry guys, the battle's moved on, enemy attacked 1st Bn The Blogshires instead, we've got to move location."

Now imagine this is the third time you have heard that in four days.

I didn't particularly enjoy that exercise in Poland.

A Big Bang

2006-04-07T18:26:00.000+01:00

The exercise had been stopped for a while. We were all going to see a demonstration. The whole Brigade. That's several thousand people and lots of vehicles.

We were going to watch the Giant Viper being fired. The Giant Viper is an impressive piece of equipment. It's basically a hundred metres of oversized hose filled with high explosive with a big rocket on one end.

The idea is that if you happen to come across a minefield the Giant Viper can be trotted out. The rocket takes the hose over the minefield before the explosive is detonated - destroying any mines in the immediate vicinity and giving you a 'safe lane' to drive down.

So there we were.

A few thousand of us.

Waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting some more.

And what stopped the demonstration going ahead?

A technical glitch perhaps?

No what stopped the British Army in its tracks was a bunch of Polish mushroom pickers out for a days picking. And because they couldn't 100% guarantee that none of them would be in the danger area we all went on our way again.

Things You Don't Want To Be Saying - Number 1

2006-04-05T18:14:00.000+01:00

Things you don't want to be saying on the first evening* of a four week exercise in Poland in the autumn:

"Has anyone seen my sleeping bag?"

It wasn't his fault. Someone else had re-packed the wagon back in Germany and left it lying around.

Did with sympathise with him? Did we offer him all our warm clothing as a substitute? Did we offer to take in turns with the sleeping bags?

No of course we didn't.

We just laughed a lot.

* - Before you point it out - I know this is out of kilter with the last post but I've only just remembered it.

Ready Steady Cook

2006-04-04T18:32:00.000+01:00

One of the advantages of going on exercise to Poland was that we'd stocked our vehicle up with some 'real' food to supplement the rations we'd get.

3 days into a rather boring exercise and it was my turn to cook.

Preparation Time: 5 mins.
Cooking Time: 10 mins.
Eating Time: about 90 seconds.

Ingredients:

Pasta - any sort will do.
1 x tin of frankfurter sausages
2 x onions
1 x clove of garlic
1 x can Heinz tomato soup
Dried Mixed Herbs
Dried Chilli Flakes

Boil some water and put your pasta on to cook.
Slice your sausage, onion and garlic. Fry.
Once your pasta is cooked, chuck the contents of your frying pan in with the pasta.
Add tomato soup and season with your herbs and chilli flakes.
Warm through.

Sat in the back of a Warrior with the rain beating down outside this tastes fantastic. I swear Jamie Oliver needs to watch out.

Talking Sense

2006-04-03T17:32:00.000+01:00

I know it's a bit lazy just posting links to elsewhere but this was a really good article published yesterday.

The book looks pretty good, although I've only read a couple of pieces from it the rest of his work is very good.

Night Train To Poland

2006-04-02T18:20:00.000+01:00

We'd spent nearly 48 hours loading the vehicles onto the train. The vehicle loading area was an cobbled hard standing. I still don't know if it is true or not but allegedly the stones had been laid by Jewish concentration camp victims in the Second World War. Certainly the sidings the army used for its vehicles at Bergen Hohne were the same used to unload Jews at that concentration camp.

Finally we got into the carriage we were to travel to Poland in. No one had told us it was going to be a sleeper carriage. I felt very 'Orient Express' at the time.

I felt much less 'Orient Express' after having been fed self-heating bacon and bean canned meals and spending the night in a sleeper carriage with 5 other squaddies.

The smell was.....ermm.....indescribable.

An Answer For 'The Beep'

2006-03-31T16:36:00.000+01:00

The Beep recently asked whether I thought there should be a public enquiry over the Deepcut deaths. This is the sort of issue that I usually run a mile from as far as this blog goes but hey ho why not.

Personally I can't really see what a public enquiry would achieve. There have already been three enquiries which have pretty much concluded that:

the deaths were suicide.
there were serious problems with some of the instructors at Deepcut and the manner in which they were treating some recruits.

The deaths were tragic and I can totally understand the parents wanting to find some form of closure. I don't think another public enquiry would give them what they want.

The thing that winds me up about the whole affair has been (and still is) the media coverage of the issue. This tends to imply that:

the deaths were in some way linked. Highly unlikely as they were spread out over a 7 year period.
there was a conspiracy by the army. Highly unlikely - the army is far too disorganised to successfully organise a conspiracy. Although the army didn't deal well with some of the deaths at the time.

Perhaps the greatest misrepresentation by the media is that the abuses of power that took place by some of the instructors are still commonplace today.

In fact nothing is further from the truth. These days the relationship between instrutor and recruit is highly controlled and monitored. Recruits have multiple avenues to report anything they regard as bullying or excessive. Even minor infringements or excesses by instructors result in the individual thrown out of the training establishment and returned to their unit. In fact many serving soldiers are reluctant to serve in a training establishment as they feel that the recruits hold too much power.

I know none of this will bring back the four soldiers who died but perhaps it is time to put this behind us and move on.

UPDATE: The findings of the latest review are here if anyone is interested in reading a bit more than the media care to publish.

Off Again

2006-03-29T18:45:00.000+01:00

After the exercise in Canada and the small matter of proposing to Mrs Soldier I'd returned to Germany. We'd then spent a few months not doing very much. A little bit of looking after vehicles, or pretending to at any rate. But then it was time for the off again.

The end of the Cold War had left the British army with something of a problem. The absence of a ravening horde of Soviet soldiers on their borders had led some of the Germans to having a change of heart.

No longer did they want scores of British squaddies trooping across their farm land, knocking down their hedges, nicking eggs from their chickens and generally making a nuisance of themselves.

I can't think why.

This had left the army with a bit of a problem over where to practice being at war.

So they did the sensible thing and went and borrowed a bit of real estate from one of our former opponents.

When the British army first turned up at the Drawsko Pomorksi training area the local authorities said that we could pretty much do as we liked but would we be so kind as to not test fire chemical weapons too close to any of the towns.

Makes you wonder.

How Do You Do It?

2006-03-28T18:47:00.000+01:00

Rather than stay away from home I'm commuting an hour either way to where I'm working this week.

I'm used to a casual 15 minutes stroll to work.

How do people do this everyday?

Busy Busy Busy

2006-03-26T13:30:00.000+01:00

Busy packing for a few days away, so I don't really have time to blog. So I'll leave it up to you the readers*.

I'd be interested in knowing:

a) What you thought about the British army before you got to this blog?
b) Has this blog changed what you think about us?

* - Blatant fishing for comments I know but there is an ulterior motive. And go on - even if you're usually just a lurker please let me know.

The Games People Play II (Or How To Have Fun With Young Officers)

2006-03-24T18:05:00.000Z

Have a look at the picture.

Spot anything unusual?

Something not quite right?

Unless you've served in the military then the answer is quite possibly no.

The answer if you are a newly commissioned officer is "???????????"

Games To Play With Young Officers Number II - salute with the wrong arm and watch for the confusion to spread across their face.

The Games People Play

2006-03-23T19:02:00.000Z

When I returned from Germany I was bit a down. After all I'd just left the woman I'd sort of proposed to.

But it was ok.

We had a new game.

The Officers Mess was at the opposite end of camp to the working accomodation. Being lazy buggers most of them cycled the few hundred metres to work. Most of them also carried large quantities of important looking paper work under one arm.

Which presented them with a little bit of a problem when someone saluted them.

Unless they were any good at cycling one handed.

Which most of them weren't.

The winner was the was person who when saluting managed to make the officer:

crash into a lamp post
nearly fall/fall off his bike.
do something else particularly stupid.

My what fun we had.

A Rather Important Question.

2006-03-22T19:04:00.000Z

Picture the scene.

A slightly wounded soldier going on leave to meet the woman he'd fallen in love with.

He sweeps her off to a romantic destination.

He picks his moment and goes down on bended knee, taking the ring from his pocket.

"Will you........."

Ok so that's how I wish it had happened. Now rewind to the end of the second sentence.

They spend a lovely ten days together.

The night before they are due to go their separate ways they have a few drinks.

Lying in bed that night chatting they both agree that it's a bit crap being apart so much.

"Maybe we'd best do something about it then love."

Probably not my greatest moment.......

Who Left That There?

2006-03-20T14:31:00.000Z

I wasn't in the best of moods going back out on exercise. After flying back from Canada I'd had just about enough time to unpack my bergan, wash my uniform (after four weeks with the same pair of kecks on it kind of needs it) and repack my bergan and then it was back into the thick of it again.

Compared with the exercise I'd just finished a week spent trogging around a small training area in Germany was small fry and my mind wasn't really on it.

Which might account for what happened.

It was late.

It was as black as a witches tit.

I was tired.

We were returning from an ambush and moving through a wood.

Kicking my feet along the ground I felt a log in front of me.

I stepped over it.

Unfortunately someone had left a 5 foot hole the other side and as we arrived at the bottom of the hole my face became intimately acquainted with my rifle.

Murphy's Laws For The Army - Number Fourteen

2006-03-15T19:14:00.000Z

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism.

To steal it from the enemy is called intelligence gathering.

Off for a few days - real, now, as we speak, not in the memoir sort of R 'n' R with Mrs Soldier. Granny and Grandad are stagging on the Little Troopers - God help them.

"Shovel Recce Going Out"

2006-03-13T18:23:00.000Z

There are very few trees on the BATUS training area.

In fact there are so few trees that even solitary trees are marked on maps.

With their names.

The trees have highly original names like 'Lone Tree'.

The lack of trees raises a problem. When you are in a totally barren environment with nothing but 17 Warrior vehicles and about a hundred blokes for company where do you go to do your business?

The answer is that you go quite a long way.

And you publicly announce it with the cry of "Shovel Recce Going Out."

I just pity the local dogs.

Bah

2006-03-12T16:56:00.000Z

Mightily depressed by the rugby.

Still, apparently the French are not so proficient on the real field of battle.

Don't believe me - then type "French Military Victories" into Google and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

Lazing On A Sunny Afternoon

2006-03-11T12:34:00.000Z

The 'war' was on hold for a day, a feature that I think should be included in real wars.

We'd spent the morning fixing our Warrior. They are excellent vehicles but they do like a little TLC.

But now fluids that needed topping up were topped up, things that needed greasing were greased, items that needed checking were checked and we were all done.

The weather was fantastic and after the disappointment over the R n R things were looking up again.

And then the chefs turned up.

With a barbeque.

And beer......

Yawn

2006-03-10T04:47:00.000Z

One of the little Troopers has decided that staying up allnight being sick is a fantastic idea.

Which brings this back to mind.

Destroying Morale For Dummies

2006-03-08T19:13:00.000Z

One of the main reasons for volunteering to go to Canada with a different company had been the prospect of a weeks R 'n' R at the end of it all.

I'd come up with several ideas about what I could do with time. I was quite keen to see the Rockies and maybe do some climbing. Or I could get up to Calgary and have a look around. I'd even thought about jumping on a flight to visit relatives in Toronto.

That was until half way through the exercise when I got the following good news:

"Pte ****** we've just had word from your own company. They are going on exercise in Germany for a week and want to take all their blokes with them. But don't worry - you'll get 36 hours R 'n' R before your flight."

Thanks for that.

200 Not Out

2006-03-06T17:27:00.000Z

According to Blogger this is the 200th thing I've written. Well obviously not the 200th thing I've written - I probably passed that landmark in my first year at primary school. But it is the 200th thing I've written on here.

I thought I'd mark the occasion with some notices to those who read this:

To the person who came to the site looking for "female bomb suits" - you scared me.
To those who regularly comment - thank you - it's nice to get some interaction.
To the two people who recently read the blog from start to finish - I hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to de-lurk - if you want to that is.
To the people who link to this blog but never comment - again thank you.
To Mrs Soldier - thank you for your perserverance, I know at times blogging has taken up far too much of my time. I love you very much.

And just to let you all know what's in store for the next 200:

1. Promotion - as US reaches the giddy heights of Lance Corporal.
2. A NATOTours six month holiday to Bosnia.
3. Another NATOTours six month holiday - but this time to Kosovo.
4. A NATOTours holiday to Bosnia - does anyone see a theme beginning to run through this.

Oh and I managed to fit in getting married and having a little trooper too. Well OK it was Mrs Soldier who had the little trooper but you know what I mean.

Food

2006-03-04T17:08:00.000Z

We'd been living on ration packs for about two weeks. Now the British Army ration packs are quite good, maybe not quite as cosmopolitan as the American MRE's but very edible nonetheless.

Well as long as you like Baked Beans that is.

But no matter how good boil in the bag food you get it's still not quite the same as fresh. There's just something missing. I don't quite know what it is but there's something that's just not quite there.

And then they arrived.

2 eggs per man and a few slices of fresh bread.

I, for one, didn't think a boiled egg sandwich would ever rate in my top ten of culinary experiences.

Aaaaaahhh

2006-03-02T19:15:00.000Z

Who is the most popular bloke in the army?

There are a few candidates in my book.

The bloke who drops you're mail off in the middle of nowhere is quite cool.

The Company Quarter Master who always makes sure that there's cold cans of pop and plenty of choccies when he turns up on a replenishment run is a strong candidate.

Then there's the bloke who doesn't mind crashing the fags even when he's down to his last few and you know you won't be getting anymore for a while.

But in my book the most popular bloke in the army is the man who can turn up in the miles from anywhere on the Canadian prairie, put his tent up and half an hour later have piping hot showers running.

After two weeks in the same lots of clothes and having reached the stage where sat in the back of a Warrior you can even smell yourself, a hot shower is like nothing on earth.

There's only one major drawback. The mosquitos love clean meat and you'll suffer for a day or two until you stink again.

But oh is it worth it.

They Call It A Laaaaser

2006-02-28T20:39:00.000Z

Believe it or not the British Army play Laser Quest.

Well it's sort of like Laser Quest. It's not played in a disused factory unit. The guns aren't particularly cool and there's no bar to retire to afterwards.

But apart from that it's pretty much the same.

In BATUS you get to spend hours fitting loads of jiggery-pokery equipment to your vehicles and yourselves and then you get to play at being at war.

If you get shot you begin to beep like mad.

Then you open a sealed card and find out if you have been killed or if you are just badly wounded.

If you are dead you take your kit off and lie on the ground and the beeping stops.

If only it worked like that in real life.

Three Wise Men

2006-02-27T18:33:00.000Z

It's very late on a cold clear night. There's not a cloud in the sky.

The Company are formed up ready to begin a night attack. There are 17 Warrior vehicle commanders listening intently to the radio net.

They are awaiting for the axis of the advance to be sent over the radio. Some form of reference point or compass bearing will be sent which all vehicles will move on, or parallel to.

Eventually the Company 2iC piped up on the net.

"All callsigns - axis. Reference the prominent star.............."

Officers - don't you just love them.

Grenade!

2006-02-26T07:32:00.000Z

There's a certain technique to clearing a trench system of the enemy. BATUS was one of the few places that had a trench system safe enough for us to practice doing this with live ammunition.

I suspect this means that it wouldn't actually be regarded as safe to do it for real.

I was the fourth in line as we edged our way down the trench. We got to a corner. The No.1 pulled the pin on his grenade and lobbed it round the corner.

The explosion when it came was not the stuff of Hollywood. A dull thud and a bit of smoke was all we were treated to.

The Safety staff were stood up at ground level watching our progress.

"Speed. Speed. You've got to be faster than that.............."

The No.2 leant round the corner and emptied a full magazine on automatic into the trench. Then he dropped to the floor and the rest of us ran over him to the next corner.

The next corner bent to the right. The No.3 pulled the pin on his grenade.

Hands up here who's any good at the throwing with their left hand?

No I didn't think so.

The No.3 wasn't either.

The grenade ended up outside the trench.

The safety staff ended up inside the trench.

Very quickly.

My how we laughed.

For those who want to know the proper way of doing it there's a few pointers here - you know just in case you ever find yourself needing to chuck a hand grenade.

BIG

2006-02-23T18:46:00.000Z

BATUS is a big place.

I have no idea how many square miles or kilometres it is but it just feels big.

The rolling grassy prairie seems to go on for ever with nothing to stop it.

I wouldn't exactly say I was scared by how big it was. I don't know it's hard to describe.

The first night we went out onto the training area we weren't really on exercise. We weren't pretending to be at war - we were just sleeping out.

There wasn't a cloud in the sky and there was none of the light pollution that we suffer from in this country.

The sky was, to put it mildly - f**king massive.

In one of the Hitchiker;s Guide To The Galaxy books Douglas Adams wrote about an infinity machine designed to crush any man's ego by making him realise how totally insignificant he was in the grand scheme of things.

That night I knew what he was talking about.

Weird

2006-02-22T18:56:00.000Z

Tonight I was going to start writing about the exercise I did a few years back in Canada. So I thought I'd have a little peek at the area on Google Earth to remind myself what the prairie was like.

And I found the image above.

The diameter of the circle is over 10 miles.

How do you make a near perfect circle that big?

Have I been on exercise at an alien landing site?

Or more probably - were we driving around in circles for 4 weeks?

If anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Bored

2006-02-21T16:51:00.000Z

Bored. Very bored.

After the initial excitement of moving to a foreign country and learning a new role the year had begun to drag in a major way. Life had sunk into a dreary routine.

Days were spent at the vehicle park replacing bolts that had nothing wrong with them, checking oil levels that couldn't have changed since the last time they'd been checked and generally trying to avoid getting stiched up for anything extra.

Nights were spent doing very little and we lived for the weekend when the two activities on offer were drinking and sleeping.

So I broke Murphy's Laws For The Army #13 and volunteered for something. One of the other companies was going to Canada for a major exercise and needed some extra bodies.

Well what could go wrong? It had to be better than drinking yourself comatose in a crappy squaddie nightclub. Didn't it?

You Can't Get Quicker Than A.........

2006-02-20T18:44:00.000Z

The time: the mid 1990s.
The place: a tank park somewhere in Germany.
The activity: trackbashing.

The Warrior IFV is a tracked vehicle - for the undiscerning vehicle spotter it's like a little tank. The tracks have rubber pads. These either protect the track from the road or vice versa - depending on your perspective.

The rubber pads fall off.

Regularly.

In fact the cynical amongst us might argue that they are designed to fall off so that underemployed squaddies don't get bored.

Once a sufficient number of track pads have fallen off someone will decide that the track needs fixing. The procedure goes something like this:

Assemble a group of approximately 10 soldiers. If you want to cheat then one of them should know what they are doing. However, it's far more fun, if there are a couple of people who 'think they know how to do it' or 'saw someone do it last week'.
Unscrew bolt holding one of the track pins together.
Forget to check if there anyone standing the other side of the vehicle.
Hit track pin with sledgehammer until it shoots out the other side.
Escort wounded soldier to Medical Centre (see point 3).
Using combination of brute force, luck, a lot of revving engines and a large amount of foul language remove track from Warrior.
Spend 2-3 hours chipping rock hard mud from track pads.
Remove broken track pads.
Get new supply of track pads.
Find out new supply of track pads have been supplied without bolts.
Invent several new swear words and spend remainder of day trying to get Warrior back into one piece.