Make Like A Bush

The dictionary defines camouflage as:

n.

1. The method or result of concealing personnel or equipment from an enemy by making them appear to be part of the natural surroundings.
2. Concealment by disguise or protective coloring.
3. Fabric or a garment dyed in splotches of green, brown, tan, and black so as to make the wearer indistinguishable from the surrounding environment.

During Phase 2 training I learnt that camouflage actually meant:

1. Applying liberal quantities of face paint, sorry I meant camouflage cream (allegedly made by Max Factor although I for one don't believe that.
2. Picking large quantities of grass or whatever vegetation happens to be around and stuffing it into your helmet, webbing, uniform until you look like an overgrown bush.
3. Moving on average 100m and finding out that the vegetation has changed substantially and you now stand out like the proverbial spare pr**k at a wedding.

I also learnt that a good way of getting back at someone who had upset you was to wait until we were granted a smoke break and then ensure that your (still lit) cigarette butt ended up somehow in their grass stuffed webbing.