Can You Just Fetch Me...................?

"These tyres aren't balanced properly - what we need is a long weight - that'll sort it out. Can you just pop over to the Quartermasters' and get me one?"

I'd now been in the unit for a while and this question wasn't aimed at me. I don't know why but I'd never been singled out for a wind-up like it.

The idea behind the long weight gag (if you haven't worked it out already) is that everywhere you end up trying to get one you hang around for ages only to be told, "Sorry mate can't find one - how about trying..........." Eventually someone takes pity on you and educates you on the two versions of weight in the English language.

These types of wind ups are common, especially with new 'green' soldiers. Other people I know have been sent to get some camouflage paint, a short stand (a quicker version of the long weight), or have been dispatched with a sealed letter for someone important. The last one hinges on the fact that the unsuspecting victim is told to expect a reply from the person they are delivering the letter to. The reply the individual gets is usually much more vitriolic than expected as the sealed letter reads along the lines of "If you don't come over here and kiss my arse I'm going to crap on your desk."

My all time favourite prank was played on a friend of mine - before I joined up. Taking part in some arctic warfare training in Norway he spent over an hour in the freezing cold going from tent to tent trying to get the vital ingredient for cooking dehydrated rations.....

"Can you try the other tents and see if they've got any dehydrated water - we're totally out."