Unleash The Hounds

In the run up to Christmas the powers that be had decided that there wasn't much point in trying to do anything too constructive. So they set up a series of visits for us. And very interesting they were too.

"So who fancies a go then? There's nothing to worry about. You won't feel a thing."

Never volunteer for anything. It's a military maxim that has stood the test of time.

I put my hand up.

5 minutes later I'd doubled in size and looked something like the Michelin man. The suit I was wearing was thick, thick material and designed to stop a dogs teeth doing too much damage.

We'd been sent down to visit the Dog Section. Possibly not the sexiest department within the army although we were all keen to know if the rumour was true that the dog handlers had to masturbate their animals on a daily basis. Quite why any of us wanted to know this I can't remember but it was very important at the time.

There are various types of army dog - sniffer dogs, explosive search dogs and attack dogs. They actually get their own army number and are awarded medals just like the rest of us. Apparently.

"Ok - when you're ready just start running over there. You won't feel a thing I promise."

I wasn't convinced. Why the f**k had I volunteered. This definitely wasn't one of my best ideas.

I started to run. I'd got maybe 20 metres when I heard the dog handler fiddling with the chain holding the dog.

I started to run faster. Why I do not know. There was no way I was going to outrun an Alsatian even if I hadn't been dresssed as the Michelin man.

"Go Boy."

Oh shit.

I think the dog was probably travelling at about 30mph when it hit me. I say hit me. That sounds a bit random. Launched itself in the perfect trajectory to sink its fangs into my arm would be a better description.

"Don't worry the suit will protect you," was ringing in my ears. Bollocks. I was bruised for days.

I'd do it again though. It was quite funny.