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Monday, November 28, 2005

Unleash The Hounds

In the run up to Christmas the powers that be had decided that there wasn't much point in trying to do anything too constructive. So they set up a series of visits for us. And very interesting they were too.

"So who fancies a go then? There's nothing to worry about. You won't feel a thing."

Never volunteer for anything. It's a military maxim that has stood the test of time.

I put my hand up.

5 minutes later I'd doubled in size and looked something like the Michelin man. The suit I was wearing was thick, thick material and designed to stop a dogs teeth doing too much damage.

We'd been sent down to visit the Dog Section. Possibly not the sexiest department within the army although we were all keen to know if the rumour was true that the dog handlers had to masturbate their animals on a daily basis. Quite why any of us wanted to know this I can't remember but it was very important at the time.

There are various types of army dog - sniffer dogs, explosive search dogs and attack dogs. They actually get their own army number and are awarded medals just like the rest of us. Apparently.

"Ok - when you're ready just start running over there. You won't feel a thing I promise."

I wasn't convinced. Why the f**k had I volunteered. This definitely wasn't one of my best ideas.

I started to run. I'd got maybe 20 metres when I heard the dog handler fiddling with the chain holding the dog.

I started to run faster. Why I do not know. There was no way I was going to outrun an Alsatian even if I hadn't been dresssed as the Michelin man.

"Go Boy."

Oh shit.

I think the dog was probably travelling at about 30mph when it hit me. I say hit me. That sounds a bit random. Launched itself in the perfect trajectory to sink its fangs into my arm would be a better description.

"Don't worry the suit will protect you," was ringing in my ears. Bollocks. I was bruised for days.

I'd do it again though. It was quite funny.


Blogger SeizeTheNite said...

Just don't volunteer when they decide to test out the taser guns.
I hear those really hurt.

Hope the bruises are healing nicely.

7:48 pm  
Blogger Alda said...

Oh, it sounds hilarious! (NOT!!)

8:31 pm  
Anonymous Kath said...

See, now that was funny! Just kiddin' I'm not laughing at your pain. Lots of people don't realize that the military uses dogs, I read up on it once, dogs have done some absolutely amazing things for their soldiers.

8:54 pm  
Anonymous Growing Up said...

I take it you couldn't change your ming when you realizes what you had to do?

10:04 pm  
Blogger Laura(southernxyl) said...

His pride would not let him change his mind. I know how it is.

I'll bet you could offer that experience at an amusement park, and people would line up.

3:53 am  
Blogger greavsie said...

Are you the John Noakes of the Army?

11:01 am  
Anonymous Laura said...

So... spill the beans. Do dog handlers have to masturbate they're animals on a daily basis?

12:14 pm  
Blogger Nick said...

Quite funny? Really? Hmm, I'll have to think about that; I can't yet quite see the joke.

4:20 pm  
Blogger Guyana-Gyal said...

I'm thinking while reading, what about his face, what about his face...

How did you protect your face?

I walk with a stick in the mornings to protect myself against a brutish dog. It works, hahaha, the dog runs away haha...

5:44 pm  
Blogger Annie said...

It did make me laugh. You crazy nutter, you.

6:42 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

Seizethenite - I've watched enough Jackass on TV to avoid that one ;)

Alda - I guess you had to be there.

Kath - at times a dog can do what it takes 20 men to do (and ladies no sniggering here please).

Laura(nxyl) - hmm that would some kind of weird amusement park.

Greavsie - my first dog was called Shep - so maybe.

Laura - funnily enough none of them wanted to talk about that so I still don't know.

Nick - you really, really had to be there.

GG - they are trained to only go for the limbs.

Annie - erm yes.

8:05 pm  

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