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Saturday, February 18, 2006


It may take a while for the average soldier to readjust to real life after a bit of time on exercise in sunniest Wales. Here is some advice for the partners of soldiers.

1. Your soldier will not be used to sleeping under a warm dry duvet. Soaking the bed with ice cold water just before he retires for bed will make him feel at home.

2. Do not be suprised if he looks strangely at food served on a plate. Try serving dinner in a silver foil bag. For really authentic presentation ensure that 90% of the food is still cold while the remaining 10% is far too hot.

3. Undercooked baked beans with something pretending to be bacon is considered essential for breakfast.

4. After a couple of days try suggesting to your partner that getting into bed fully dressed with muddy boots on isn't actually necessary.

5. Do not be surprised if you are woken up at regular intervals through the night to be told that 'It's your turn on stag'.

6. If he picks up a spade and announces loudly "Shovel Recce Going Out" you may wish to warn the neighbours. When your partner returns suggest that sitting on a toilet is actually far more comfortable.

7. Your partner may well insist on wearing the same clothes for weeks on end. This is normal but should pass after a short while.

8. If you cannot find your partner shortly before sunset and sunrise try looking at the bottom of the garden. He is probably 'Standing To' incase of a dawn attack.

9. After a few days you may wish to address the issue of hygiene. Suggest that a bath or shower might be preferable to using one baby wipe to wash your face and another for a 'Sac to Back' wash.


Anonymous Z said...

And here's some more advice for Mrs Soldier.

Put a tent up in the back garden so he feels more at home. ;)

6:28 pm  
Blogger Guyana-Gyal said...

You're back. I've been having slooow internet :-(

Maybe Mrs. Soldier can put you out in the garden with a tent until you shower, get accustomed to plates and so on?

6:31 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

Z/GG - What's a tent? We prefer just sleeping out!

6:42 pm  
Anonymous Stu Savory said...

Just as well, US!
Loitering-within-tent is an offense

8:17 pm  
Blogger savante said...

Dang. Boots in bed? There goes any ideas I have of getting a soldier boyfriend.


8:45 am  
Blogger zilla said...

If Mr. Z woke me up in the middle of the night saying it's my "turn on stag", I would immediately demand whose turn it had been before, and why am I suddenly taking turns when it's supposed to be my turn every turn; and then I'd probably have to drag him to therapy, and the whole thing might end up in divorce court where he would end up with no baby wipe, no sac, and no back.


4:00 pm  
Blogger greavsie said...

No digging holes in the living room carpet either....

4:05 pm  
Blogger Katy Newton said...

I doubt Mrs Soldier would appreciate your, er, inflatable friend, either.

8:04 pm  
Anonymous Laura said...

Sac to back?


9:02 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

Stu - agreed.

Savante - maybe sailors would be a better bet?

Zilla - thankfully Mrs Soldier is very forgiving.

Greavsie - *puts shovel away*

Katy - shhhhhh - she's not supposed to know about that.....

Laura - so I'm guessing you don't want to know about the time I had the same pair of grots on for three weeks then.

9:06 pm  
Blogger Lennie Briscoe said...

Perhaps you could give her the unwanted boil in the bag dumplings for valentines dinner.. I'm sure shew would appreciate it ;)

11:43 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

Lennie - I'm one of the few people who actually likes Fruit Dumplings with Custard (the old style Butterscotch sauce is no more)

6:28 am  
Blogger opiniastrous said...

I don't know how you'd manage to stand to on your own! I find it pretty difficult to cover a 180 degree arc, let alone 10, 2 and 6 all at once.

Another piece of advice for Mrs Soldier would be not to worry when you wake up alone - he's on picket. The only problem is it's your turn soon!

11:39 am  
Blogger PI said...

How many showers does it take before you are your sweet-smelling self? And what's the first thing you do when you get home?
And I think Stu Savory should go on latrine duty for that pun.

3:37 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

Opiniastrous - welcome. Eyes in the back of your head always come in handy.

Pat - I once made the mistake of having a bath instead of a shower. I left muddy sludge in the bottom of the bath. The first thing I do when I get home is get jumped on by the two little troopers.

3:50 pm  

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