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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Make Like A Bush (The Sequel)

"Ok - we've got to cam up the wagon."

Camming up a vehicle that is 6.34m long, 3.034m wide and 2.791m high is great fun. In fact it's that much fun that it should be added as an event on the Generation Game. It's almost as much fun as camming yourself up.

The procedure, as laid down officially by the British Army, goes something like this:

1. Take 1 x Warrior Armoured Fighting Vehicle.

2. Take 1 x camouflage net.

3. Drap camouflage net over Warrior.

4. Prop net up with poles so that it looks like a very large bush.

The actual procedure goes something along the lines of:

1. Try to extract camouflage net from storage bin.

2. Find out that camouflage net has inexplicably turned itself into a rather large knot.

c. Unravel camouflage net.

iii. Drap camouflage net over vehicle.

4. Find out that camouflage net is in a bad mood and decides to get caught on every single nut, bolt or other protuding object.

5. Finally get camouflage net up.

6. Find out that you only have the required number of poles to make vehicle look like half a bush.

7. Find out that camouflage net is not actually in a bad mood but is just feeling unloved.

8. Camouflage net in a desperate bid for attention ties itself around all of the buttons on your jacket and trousers.

9. Escape from psycho-camouflage net.

10. Admire the efforts of the last thirty minutes.

11. Admit that Warrior looks nothing like a large bush. In fact Warrior looks like Warrior with camouflage net on it.

12. Make a brew.


Blogger fjl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:32 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

FJL - yup - it's the sort of thing that doesn't quite make it into 'A Bridge Too Far.'

8:04 pm  
Anonymous Kath said...

Most entertaining thing I've read all week ;-)

8:16 pm  
Blogger Katy Newton said...

I came home in a foul mood today and you have made me laugh, which I hugely appreciate.

9:28 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

Kath/Katy - :)

FJL - we probably all should have read 7 Pillars of Wisdom before we started.

7:18 am  
Blogger PI said...

All I want for Christmas is to see this operation. It's so good to laugh till the tears roll.

10:42 am  
Anonymous Rug Boy said...

I'll see your Warrior and raise you an AVLB (Armoured Bridge Layer) with a No. 10 bridge (26m long folding bridge)on top: 14.5m long, 4m wide and 4.1m high. Even more fun to cam up, especially in the dark.

12:05 pm  
Blogger greavsie said...

You obviously can't camouflage it that well otherwise you'd never find it again when you come back from re-filling the kettle.

12:12 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

PI - can't wait to see the new blog.

Rug Boy - I can't match that - although I have seen some Booties trying to camouflage a Landing Craft before. Quite what a large bush was supposed to be doing out at sea I'm not quite sure.

Greavsie - we leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find our way back.

12:19 pm  
Blogger Growing Up said...

I enjoyed reading this post it was quite funny i think it would be even funnier to watch in person. Did you all have a laugh while you were doing it or did you get pissed off after a while?

12:27 pm  
Blogger PI said...

US I promise I'll let all my friends know the minute its functioning. Meanwhile as it - in theory- only takes ?5? minutes I must be the most stupid person ever. I'll master the b....y thing yet!!!!

12:48 pm  
Blogger Plark said...



1:30 pm  
Blogger Katy Newton said...

Spookily, I saw a bush today which looked exactly like a Warrior with a camo net draped over it. It was uncanny.

5:14 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

GU - sometimes it's funny sometimes it's not.

Plark - ;)

FJL - I thought everyone loved it when Tony turned up?!

Katy - damn - knew I'd never be any good at this stalking malarky.

5:50 pm  
Blogger Southern Bird said...

pffffff amusing imagery!

By the way... were you testing our awareness capabilities by typing:
'iii. Drap camouflage net over vehicle.' rather than lettering it?
Did i win something?
Can i join the army?

5:51 pm  
Blogger Guyana-Gyal said...


Paint a few roses on the net.

9:20 pm  
Blogger Universal Soldier said...

SB - yes I was checking. Well done you've won. Your prize is a 22 year contract with us - can you make the 08:45hrs for Basra?

GG - flowers would be nice.

10:03 pm  
Anonymous Laura said...

Gee. It sounds a lot like putting up the Christmas lights. Only broader.

2:03 pm  

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